A reminder of life’s constant barrage of overpromise/underdeliver. Becoming sick of the shallow culture we’re surrounded by every day that leaves us feeling unfulfilled – constantly searching for that thing that’s going to take us away from it all…that’s going to fill that hole inside us but that constantly absorbs anything we try to fill it with. Instead of filling us up, the things we reach for take away any sense of passion and hope we have left.
I have been feeling completely stuck in my life. I hate my job with a passion, a passion that is speedily approaching apathy. I always felt I wanted to be a part of something bigger, something that actually makes a difference in the world. I don’t know what that is. The longer it takes me to figure it out, the more of my fire I lose. The more I’m forced to have conversations about the weather in the elevator and hear celebrity gossip, the more I lose my faith in humanity. The more alone I feel. Emptiness upon emptiness driving me insane. To quote another favorite writer of mine “Their handing out emptiness and we take it cuz it’s given / Free with its plastic innocence and these standards of living” (David Gray).
Every meaningless experience I have just makes me feel weaker and weaker. I can’t even stand going to Subway for lunch and ordering my sandwich every day. I hate that the girl behind the counter knows my sandwich by heart. I can’t stand grocery shopping or shopping of any kind. It’s the routine of it all I cannot face.
“I can see by your eyes friend you're just about gone / Fifty-seven channels and nothin' on... / Fifty-seven channels and nothin' “
I feel most alive when I’m at a live concert. I’ve been that way my whole life. I love the concert experience…a couple hours of just losing yourself in music, shouting at the top of your lungs. I always get really depressed after a concert. When I was younger I didn’t understand why. Now I know it’s because I want to live in that world, not just taste it once in a while. I want to live among people who create, who are passionate and have a purpose to their lives. I want to be part of that process that leads people to connect with one another, that frees people from their pain even if just for a short time.
I still don’t know what that all means. To quote an anonymous girl who came into our office one day: “I’ve been thinking about my life and I’m confused a bit”.
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